“I had a dream
I got everything I ever wanted
Not what you’d think
And if I’m being honest
It might’ve been a nightmare”
-Billie Eilish

Dinner dates and flowers. That is what a lot of people want. Little gifts bought for them. Those bring smiles to faces. Me, though appreciated, those things don’t mean as much to me. Never have. Handwritten, small notes to me, morning texts or calls, my cup of coffee poured first, a touch to my hand while we talk, brushing my bangs out of my face, asked to listen to a song because it makes them think of me, a warm, long hug at the end of our days when we finally see each other, getting a bellyache from laughing so hard, and catching him looking at me when I glance back his way… Those gestures are priceless to me.

I’m a complex person that is impressed with the little things. Having an extremely busy day, but sending a text to say “hi.” That small moment taken out of their day given to me can make me smile for an entire day. Someone that hasn’t seen me in months remembering that I have a collagen drink mixture in my water bottle, well, that can stay in my mind for weeks. Someone spelling my name out in labels while at work and sending me a picture of it, that will be a permanent memory etched into my mind. Not one cent was spent on me, nothing purchased, just time and attention paid.

Right now, most of the country is self-isolating and practicing social distancing because of the Covid 19 pandemic. Dating has ceased and socializing has halted. I’ve handled it quite well because I wasn’t out there dating much and the socializing with girlfriends has morphed into phonecalls and video chats. The one thing that does have me antsy is the lack of human touch. I miss the hugs. I miss the warmth of another human. I hug on and snuggle my dogs all day, but that doesn’t replace a person.

Being at home in solitude during this crazy time has allotted me the time to sit and think about the little things, who does them, where the effort is coming from, and what it all means to me. When my headache disorder flares up, who reaches out and is genuinely concerned? When my abdomen hurts, who would be the one to offer to massage it for me? When my day started off horribly by a rude call, who will check on me throughout the day to make sure that I’m okay and have calmed down? Who sends me texts to see how my day is going and if I’m up and being productive? One person, in particular. And THAT scares the shit out of me. Over the past few months, I’ve had a handful of men that want and try to date me or get to know me. Only one has put in the true effort. And as much as I thought that I wanted that, once I received it, it has me in flight mode.

I am, well WAS before Covid 19, meeting new people. And, I am interested in getting to know more about a couple of them. I like each one for different reasons. But, ONE has pulled me towards their direction. ONE has consumed my thoughts more than the others. Why? Time and effort. And what has happened? Tami caught a few fee*gag*lings. Yeah, gagged a bit on that one. But, it is true. So, what do I do now? Almost every cell in my being is yelling RUN! Except there is a small voice in my head (probably my therapist’s) whispering, “Stay. See what happens.” But, I know that I can’t. Not right now. Timing. Timing is my enemy right now.

Three work trips intentionally scheduled to Little Rock for April, May, and June with dates and flight information given to me (pre-Covid 19). Effort. Time. All that I have asked for. Touche’. It was clearly brought to my attention that there were many reasons that I “could make a man fall for me.” I didn’t want to know what those reasons were and was glad that they didn’t elaborate. I am not hoping for anyone to “fall for me.” Please don’t. I don’t have the strength, physically or emotionally, to catch you.

This blog is public and anyone can read it. And, I’m sure, the people that I’m speaking of will see it. It may make some walk away and it may make others try harder. I have no control of that and wouldn’t blame them either way. Once we are all free to roam around like we used to and if I have to start from square one with a clean slate, I’m okay with that. I have to be. I do not want anyone that I’ve gotten to know to turn their back on me, but they have their own agendas and motivations. In Tami fashion, I will pick up with pieces, learn from my experiences, and begin again.

There are worse problems to have! And, that way of thinking has always been my go-to. But, according to my therapist, that is a way for me to dismiss my issues and not face them. Ugh. So, I’m pulling up my big girl panties and deciding to face it head-on, not really. I’m walking away. I am not a safety net and cannot catch anyone. I’ll sit and listen to my music and let the lyrics speak to me. Each song settles my racing mind and lets me focus on one thought at a time.

“Don’t you know I’m no good for you
I’ve learned to lose you, I can’t afford to
Tore my shirt to stop the bleedin’
But nothin’ ever stops you leavin’
…
But nothin’ is better sometimes
Once we’ve both said our goodbyes
Let’s just let it go
Let me let you go” – Billie Eilish

Let me put on my shoes, and run. Let me reminisce on the little things. I’m closed for social distancing and isolation.

#itsatamithing