Last year, I was in a dark place filled with secrets, fear, pain, self-loathing, and anguish. In the past six months, events escalated and my fear and anger turned into determination and strength.  One thing to know about me is I don’t take kindly to threats and manipulation. I have been described as small, kind, strong, driven, smart, and fiesty. All of that is true. But, all of those positive traits were being used against me and slowly being beaten out of me. Things changed when I was treated as if I were stupid. Wrong move. I might have been worn down into the position of check, but believe me something was coming. Alone and standing strong, I made the biggest move I could make and it changed my life.

At the time, I was still attached to the idea of “there’s good in everyone, even that one person.” So, even after all of the berating, abuse, betrayal, and evil, I still cared. I still hoped that they would be okay. The stress took a toll on me and I could not eat or sleep. I was living off a cup of soup over a three day period, and less than four hours of sleep a night. I cried uncontrollably and could not piece together a coherent thought. This was unacceptable to me. I knew I was stronger than that and needed to pick myself up. I stepped out of my comfort zone, and became social again.

I met some very interesting people. Those people, I hope to continue to get to know better. And, I met some that I knew that I wouldn’t be able to have a decent conversation with, and we parted ways knowing we will never speak again. I had a few friends over (one at a time to keep from being overwhelmed), and slowly began to feel like me again. Unbeknownst to these people, they helped me see that all the things drilled into my head were lies. I was not worthless. I was not fat. I was not uncaring. I was not a horrible human being. The lowest time in my life showed me my “tribe.” Some of them were a complete surprise to me, and those that were absent were an eye-opening revelation. I was humbled and grateful, but felt so undeserving.

Still, I had the little voice in my head screaming the same insults at me. Mentally, I was at war with myself and a ghost. One evening everything changed. I was informed that the demon that tried to destroy me tried to make a last minute attempt at a final “fuck you” to me. They reached out the night before an extremely important day to the one person who they despised the most in hopes that that person despised me just as much in hopes to humiliate me. They were wrong.

I may have had failed relationships with lovers and friends, but very few have not been handled as adults and as cordially as possible. And with that, a mutual respect has always remained. This one showed their loyalty and friendship to me at a time when they could have let all the past bitterness return. My welfare was their one and only concern, and they told me about what was happening.

It was that enlightening evening for me that flipped a switch in me. My concern, my care, my hurt was gone. Wondering what was real and what wasn’t didn’t matter anymore. Whatever “power” that I was held by was now gone. I slept better that night than I had in a long time. I didn’t look around frantically when I stepped out of my house anymore. I felt empowered. I felt like Tami! It was then that my heart and mind were at peace and the internal war ceased.

I am on a journey now. I’m not hoping to be who I once was. I’m traveling on a road to who I have now become and who I want to be. It’s unfortunate that it took the devastating events to get me to this point. I’ve stumbled and made mistakes through this transition, and have hurt people’s feelings and made people question me and the type of person that I am. For that, I am truly sorry. I am an imperfect person, and everyday I try to be a better person than the day before. I can only ask for forgiveness, and try to be better. There are a few things that I would change if I could rewind time. But, that is not possible.

I am facing my future. I am no longer a prisoner, of sorts. There are many uncertainties for what is in store for me. But, I look forward to the wins and losses. I look forward to learning from everything and everyone. I look forward to the growth. I hold tight to my faith in the future and what is meant to be my path in life. What doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger, right? Well, I’m definitely stronger and finally happy! I’m me, again.

Checkmate.

#itsatamithing