Sometimes life has a way of slapping you across the face and waking you up. I have been slapped repeatedly over the past few months. I got comfortable with just existing. I have my family and my friends, so, I didn’t think I needed anybody else. They all love me, for me, who cares what other people think. I do now, though I shouldn’t.

I really liked who I saw when I looked in the mirror. I saw a woman who genuinely cared about other people. I saw a woman full of empathy and compassion. I saw a woman who put others before herself without a second thought. I didn’t see anything physical or cosmetic. At least then I didn’t, I do now.

Some personal things happened that changed what I saw in the mirror. I didn’t see the woman that I saw before. I see fat around the stomach and thighs. I see arms that had some flabby parts. I see too many curves. I see so much that needed to change even though I worked out a couple of times a week for over a year consistently, and off and on throughout my life. I hate what I see in the mirror. I want to change. I want to be another person, well parts of other people to be honest. I don’t want to be me.

I know that this all stems from some insecurities that had been buried. But, since they were so wrecklessly brought back to the surface, they have grown and spread like cancer. And, like any disease, it is not easy to destroy, get rid of, or kill.

Be careful what you say to people. Be careful what you say about other people. If you are with someone that you love, be sure to tell them. If you think they are beautiful, tell them. Compliment your partner, your friends, and your family first. They are the ones with you and should not be taken for granted. They are your tribe, your support systems, your circles, your cheerleaders, and your ride or dies. When you choose to be that for other people, not the ones in your tribe, your tribe questions your loyalty, and rightly so.

What you say and do, or don’t say or do matters. It can truly have an effect on someone. Self-esteem can be fragile. It can take years to build and seconds to demolish. Personal anxieties and struggles are not something to toy with. You never know how much you can damage someone all because of being an insensitive, uncaring, hurtful, absent partner, friend, or family member.

I’m having to learn to like the image in the mirror again. Not the person that I see at first glance, but who I see when I truly look at myself. Me, the empathetic, caring, kind woman that others see. I need to see her again. I miss her.