Little Miss Runner was stopped dead in her tracks. What stopped me? Logic and reason. A voice of reason demanding me to stop listening to the “crazy” that was screaming in my head. “I object to your decision.” What?! I’ve never heard that one before. I’m not in court. It’s my life, and I can do what I want. After a conversation in which I kept trying to listen to my fears, I had to listen to what made sense.

I’m a planner. My professional life is strategically scheduled with a calendar, and this is what my personal life revolves around. I make a Plan A, and most times a Plan B. I find comfort in knowing what I will be facing in the day, the next few days, & upcoming weeks. I’m thrown off kilter if any of my plans changed. It snowballs into a chaotic mess that I must reorganize. It has recently been brought to my attention that things don’t always go as planned. And, I don’t like that realization. I find it difficult to adapt. Why didn’t my plan go, well… as planned?

Sometimes those hiccups in your plan turn out to be something beautiful. I’m learning this. This year was supposed to be my year of personal growth, self discovery, fun, and change. At the first of the year, I faced challenges that I hope that I will never face again. Then, I started having fun. A LOT of fun. Was it healthy? Absolutely not. But, it sure was fun. I was selfish and unapologetic about it. I craved something and I was determined to get it. And, I was! Then, the pandemic hit. I was thrust into a situation beyond my control. The only thing I could control was my personal environment and who was granted access. That’s when things changed.

A deeper understanding and knowledge grew. A friendship formed and the connection became stronger. No two could be more different, yet have so much in common. What the hell was happening?! To be honest, I freaked out. The more difficulties that I had, the more this someone stepped up. I never asked them to do that. I never even thought to ask. I was used to facing things alone. But, there they were. They showed up and they stepped up. So, what did I do? I started to form my plan. The same plan that I have used many times over, but just tailored to fit the person and situation. It never failed. Until now.

This time, I didn’t make a Plan B. Plan A always worked. It was trusty, reliable, and did the job. So, when I was told, “I’m declining all the shit you’re throwing down right now. It doesn’t make sense. I’m not letting you do this.” I didn’t know how to react. I talked it over with friends and my therapist. Every single person  told me that I was wrong, illogical, and self sabatoging. I already knew this. I had just never had anyone call me out on my certain bullshit.

I still fought with the chaos that was running through my mind. Until one night, a friend said something that resonated with me. “Put the premium on the person and not the situation. Get rid of any preconceived ideas of what will happen, because you don’t know.” I felt that. If I wanted to grow, I had to allow that growth to happen. I couldn’t dispose of the rosebud before it bloomed or I wouldn’t see how beautiful it might be.

So, here I am. No specific plan in mind. I’m riding the wave of uncertainty. Let me tell you, it has pleasantly surprised me. Am I terrified? I can’t shout HELL YES any louder. Am I okay with how things are unfolding? So far, I am. I don’t know what will happen tomorrow, next week, or next month. And, I am learning to accept that. Right now, I am enjoying the door being opened for me. So, I’ll take my running shoes off.

#itsatamithing