What have I learned over the last four days? I have learned that I have some of the best clients that a stylist could have hoped for. I’ve learned that my “gut” feeling to take a few extra safety measures have been worth it and very much appreciated. I have learned that my long-time aversion to germs is now shared by many. I learned that behind my chair is where I belong, even after months of questioning my career choice and possibly wanting to make a change. I have learned that even though I am slowly opening back up because of financial hardships, that I am grateful to have not had to permanently close my doors. And, I have learned that I should have continued to workout at home because now my stamina is less than before.

Being self-employed is a blessing, but a curse all in one. The freedom of creating my own schedule while doing what I love is what drove me to drop the idea of getting my degrees in advertising & public relations and nursing. To still utilize my creativity and intelligence of math and science in a profession combined with being one to help someone feel a bit better about themself, it’s more fulfilling than I could have imagined. But, the stress of knowing not working means no income can weigh heavily on the mind all of the time. I missed out on vacations and trips just so I could be there for my clients.

In turn, when the Covid-19 pandemic hit and I had to close my doors, my clients were there for me. I was given monetary gifts, food, trinkets, and shown more compassion than I thought I was worthy of receiving. It was said to me by numerous people, “You have always been there for me and I know I can always count on you. So, let me be there for you. I know you’d never ask, so I’m giving it to you anyway.” They brought some light into my darkness.

I have always been a caregiver, a nurturer, a servant to others. But, it was recently brought to my attention that I was also a leader. My carefully thought out plans of how I would slowly reopen and adjust to new procedures guided others in what they would do. Not only in my professional life, but in my personal life. “I’m following your lead. If you feel it’s safe, then I will feel it is safe” was said to me. I felt an enormous pressure put on my shoulders. My motivation for my actions was led by different circumstances than theirs. I didn’t want another’s health or choices based on what decisions that I made. An old saying came to mind ‘If I jumped off a bridge, would you?’ But, I realized that they knew how carefully I weighed risks and how cautiously I would put one foot in front of the other.

Do I feel it is time for me to be back full-time in my salon? No. Did I have to return anyway because my finances were dwindling? Yes. I exhausted my savings of a couple of months income. I was fortunate to have any savings, at all. And, I was unmeasurably blessed to have friends that helped me. I have faced many struggles that so many others now share in common with me. Some have been crushed and I don’t know how they will recover. Others, like me, have been scrambling and hustling in any way that we can and are gasping air through a straw right now. Our spirits have diminished, but there is a light in the horizon if we take the time to look.

Along with the weight of the rocks of a world spread struggle, my personal world had more rocks placed on top. Things weighed me down even more. I have found it more difficult to breathe. Yet again, I succumbed to the weight and began to give in to its powers. I had my moments of poor decisions, self-pity, and agony. I have more that is coming, but I am fully aware of its presence, though. I had to learn to stand back up and let each rock fall as I rose. I’m not on my two feet yet, but I am getting more air now.

As much and as many times as I wanted to throw in the towel, change careers, deny my blessings, or simply yearn to not exist, I held on to a spirit that guided me. This spirit held me. It spoke to me in my dreams. And, it allowed me to be open to feel those gut feelings. It reminded me of the struggles of my past, and showed me that I had overcome them before and I will again.

Life is made up of choices, even in times that are beyond our control. I have made poor choices and have coped in some unhealthy ways. Even while doing so, I turned my vision back toward the direction of my purpose. I never lost sight. I have learned, many times over, that if I stop and pay attention that the answers are there. I just cannot get lazy and complacent so that they are not visible to me.

I have a vacation planned with some childhood, lifelong friends. We planned it at the beginning of the year for June. During the struggles and uncertainty, we never canceled our plans. I may have given up getting in shape for my vacation, and ultimately that choice had an effect on my endurance for standing 8-12 hours a day, but it doesn’t matter. I have learned that sitting on a semi-private beach, toes in the sand, and social distancing time with my girlfriends is what will help my heart and heal my spirits. I will use the time to re-energize so that I may return to face my surgeon with a clear mind and positive outlook. Though, drinking a bottle of wine a night to cope with stress didn’t help my physique, I will happily and willingly bask in the sun, clothed in my bikini, looking like a busted can of biscuits. And, I have learned that I am 100% okay with that.

#itsatamithing