“You, my friend, use everything as a learning experience and make it work for you.”

“You are one of the most resourceful people that I know. You’re always on top of your game.”

This was pointed out to me recently. I have not thought of myself that way. I find it incredibly interesting that others view me this way. I just know that it is the only way I know how to be. I don’t put thought into it. I just function. What took me by surprised is when I was told, “I’ve never heard you yell.” All I could respond with was “okay.”

When I pressed and wondered if they wanted me to yell and was met with a firm no, I was confused. It was explained to me that they viewed me as such a sweet, kind, nice person, and that they know that everyone has another side to them and it usually shows itself when they get angry and yell. I had to calmly explain that I have yelled before, and to just not do anything to make me yell. I laughed a bit about what I had just said. But, I continued to say that it takes an awful lot to make me yell. I am a what you see is what you get person. I do have a few surprises up my sleeve, but they aren’t negative. I have had someone screaming in my face, touching nose to nose, saying that I was a worthless, piece of shit. Still, I did not yell. I thanked them for telling me exactly how they viewed me and that I disagreed. And, I removed myself from their life.

You see, the person that inquired about whether I yell, had always surrounded themselves around people who chose to yell and scream to make their point. I have been on the receiving end of many of those bouts, and have never found it effective. So, I chose to have a conversation about differences. If it boils down to difference of opinions, yelling accomplishes absolutely nothing. And, opinions are seldomly changed, so why push the issue. You can respect a person’s opinion, it doesn’t mean that you have to agree.

I learn from everything and everyone around me. I learn what I like, what I don’t like, what type of person I want to be, and what type that I don’t. I learn what works, and what doesn’t. I’m never too old to learn nor am I too old to evolve. I am always changing and adapting. I try to surround myself with people that are doing the same. Am I sweet, kind, and nice? Yes, I can proudly say that I am. That will never change. Will I continue to do more for some people than they will for me? Absolutely, I will. I don’t do anything for anyone that I don’t want to do or with the expectation of something in return.

The caregiver, nurturer, and giver in me comes out more than I wish sometimes. But, I refuse to change that. That side of me is what drives me. It is what makes me feel joy. I lose sleep if I know a friend is sad or depressed. If a friend is sick, thoughts of them will fill my mind the majority of my day. I worry. I care too much. I want to do something. Most of the time, there is nothing that I can do for them. So, I choose to let my intentions be known that I am there for them any time, any day. From there, if they know me in the slightest bit, they know it is the truth.

So, imagine what happens when something takes me by surprise and throws me off kilter. That is what has happened over the past 11 months. And, every month something new was thrown my way. I start to learn, to adapt, and to evolve when something new comes up. I say I can’t wait until things are back to normal. To be honest, I don’t know what my normal is anymore. When I think I am finding my normal, something jolts me and throws me into a tailspin. I am in that very spin right now. The pandemic isn’t to blame. I am not 100% to blame either, but I am involved and partly to blame.

What is said cannot be unsaid, and an action cannot be undone. I heard what I heard. I saw what I saw. And, I am completely affected by both. It has caused so much confusion in me, that all I can do is cry. They are not tears of happiness or sadness. They are tears of uncertainty and fear. I cannot make sense of heads or tails. I cannot piece things together. I cannot make sense of what I’m feeling. I am scared and terrified of something that would make someone else extremely happy.

I am trying to learn, to change, to evolve. But, right now, I can’t. I know too many people that are hurting. And, I want to focus on them. But, my mind is screaming at me to focus on me. Focusing on others helps me. It won’t for what I am ignoring at the moment. I know this. And, knowing this makes me overthink and feel worse. I’m not making this work for me. I am not on top of my game. In a few months from now, will I look back at this and know that I worked through it? Probably. At least, I hope so.

A rose is a rose is a rose. Or, is it?

#itsatamithing