“Don’t run too far or too fast.” Those were the words from a best friend, a sister to me. “You aren’t used to what is normal. Everything that you are experiencing is normal. You’re just used to things being fucked up. You analyze everything. Every word. Every action.” Those words hit me like a brick to the head. She was and is right. My sense of normal is not the same as other people’s normal. My therapist said something similar when she told me that I would have to find “my new normal.” I am so conditioned to certain words, actions, and behaviors that when it’s out of “the norm” I become uncomfortable. I’m clawing my way out of the ditch of dysfunction onto solid ground, and the whole way I am unsteady on my feet.

I have two great friends that have been my “no matter what” friends. I can tell them anything and everything. They listen, no matter what. They don’t judge me, no matter what. They love me and look out for me, no matter what. And, as true friends, they tell me when I’m the one being irrational or overthinking, no matter what. They don’t spare my feelings for sake of our friendships, no matter what. For their honesty and true friendships, I am grateful and loyal to them, no matter what.

I can be stubborn and headstrong. In the same breath, I can be sensitive and vulnerable. I’ve always had difficulty with finding my happy medium. It has taken the past year, especially the last three months, for me to take the time to really look at myself and realize that I know what I want in my personal life. I am just too scared to admit to what that is and too scared to fight for it. When it comes to my professional life, I have no problem with putting in the work or fighting for what I want. But when it comes to matters of the heart, that fighting spirit was subdued a long time ago and is just now coming back to life.

“I don’t know the definition of TOO anything, that’s my problem.” In most things that I throw myself in, I give 100%. Yet, when it comes to what could possibly make me truly smile and fill this little ache of emptiness, I give a small percentage and then turn my back when the time comes to give more. I say that I’m being picky or avoiding red flags. In all honesty, I know that is bullshit. Point blank, I am terrified. And, I can admit to that. I just don’t know how to shove my fears aside. Being in isolation, alone, only has aided in me not facing those fears.

Right now, I cannot run. I cannot turn my back. Because, there is nothing to run from but myself. I’ve stopped reaching out to some people that I checked on before. Not because I want to stop talking to them, but because I felt that I was disturbing them. I never want to be a bother, so I’ve removed myself. If they want to talk to me, they can. I cannot be the one reaching out every time. We may not be able to see one another, but the phone works both ways.

Why do I put this out there for all to see? It is therapeutic for me. I work out my thoughts and feelings, document them, and release them in a creative, raw, open manner. Some might find it interesting. Some might find it funny or silly. Some might relate to what I write and it helps them sort through what they are feeling. Whichever way it resonates, this is my medium. This is basically my online journal. When I re-read through it, I know the stories, the motivations behind each blog.

So, I am taking to heart the words of my No Matter What friends, and the words from my therapist. And, they know that I will analyze and over think everything that they tell me, too. I will try to not create red flags that aren’t truly there. I will try to NOT dwell on the what ifs. I will use this time to figure out who adds to my life, and who subtracts. I will try to see my worth. I will try to find or create my new normal. I will try to figure out my “too”. No matter what.

#itsatamithing