I have been called many things in my life by friends or partners. I’ve been called, to name a few: Darling, baby girl, sweet girl, hair nazi, Pickle, Pookie, Little Lady, Little T, a unicorn, and trouble. A few of those I had to have explained to me by other people, unfortunately. I was clueless to the meanings. I am fully aware of when someone is calling me something that is trying to play me, though. In my 45 years on this earth, I have had my fair share of being an active participant as player and the one played. I know the game. I chose whether I would join in or walk away.

In this day and age, the times have changed a great deal since I was out there. For a long time, I have been unavailable to outsiders. I was consumed with work and family. Now, I am consumed with work and myself. The “me time” is one that I treasure and hold on to with everything I have. But, I crave a small piece of inclusion. So, I’m slowly and cautiously walking around the playing field. I’m observing and occasionally raising my hand to be included on a team. The game has changed. And the players are on a different level than me.

I’m not saying that I can’t keep up or learn the rules. That is not the issue. I bring a whole different playbook, and it cannot be flipped through quickly. It would make others quit the team or scare them slightly. It’s quite complex. Fun, but complex. You see, those others want to be picked for a permanent spot on a team. I, on the other hand, don’t want a team. Not until I’ve weighed all options, researched the wins & losses, and studied their strategies. The idea of a team brings out a flight instinct in me. I was under contract for an incredibly long time. And, when it expired, I stretched my legs and felt the sense of freedom that I had needed and longed for. I want to be that wildcard that is brought in as the finisher that brings the surprises. And, I’m finding out there are other wildcards jumping in, too. Well, that doesn’t make for a smooth game. There can only be one, per team.

So, I casually continue to walk along the sidelines and look for a convenient opening. It makes no difference to me whether an opportunity appears. I just enjoy it when I get my chance. My outlook on it rubs others the wrong way, and that is okay. I have no control over how they will feel. I just know my intentions and my focus, and I’m pretty clear of what those are. It’s a great big field, and I’m reveling in the feeling just standing on it gives me. I’m not excitedly jumping up and down saying “pick me, coach!” I’m content with my walk and the occasional “hey, you!” Don’t get me wrong, it would be nice to stick around for a season and the perks that includes, but after that, cut me loose and sign a contract with someone else. I’m a free agent. I’m fully aware that the rules for me are restricted and different. That is okay and that is welcomed.

The most frightening thing is when I’m considered that “rare find”, and I’m trying to be signed too quickly. I know what I bring and have to offer to the club, and that’s been taken advantage of or misused before. I’m hellbent and determined that will never happen again. If a contract is presented to me, it has to be damned impressive and something I’ve never been offered before to get me to sign on the dotted line. I may miss out on a great team, but I’ll take the chance. I’ll know mine when I see it.

Little T is happy for once in a very long time. I will continue to be that Sweet Girl, because that is who I am underneath it all. I’m my friends’ Pickle & Pookie and still laugh at the stories that gave me those nicknames. I don’t care to be that Darling Baby Girl, anymore. I will always be the Hair Nazi and be strict on my convictions if something isn’t suitable. This Little Lady will take her Unicorn self back into her enchanted forest and be a bit harder to find, because a unicorn does not like to be captured. We truly ARE rare. And, the trouble that we bring can be exciting and one of a kind, though not to be taken lightly or toyed with.

#itsatamithing