A friend and I were talking and she was surprised that I have many moments of insecurities and doubts. I have adopted the “fake it til you make it” attitude. I’ve lived this way for so long that I don’t know how to live any other way.

On a daily basis, I am extremely social with my clients. I listen to their secrets. They bounce ideas off of me. I lend a listening ear for their problems. I joke around and cheer them up. I mold myself to the needs of others. In doing that, I lose my true self. What is my identity? What makes me happy? What makes me sad? In many ways, I am not sure.

I love to joke around and make others laugh. Then, my inner voice says, “Stop. You are being ridiculous.” I immediately shut down and get quiet. I get lost in my thoughts and replay the recent interaction in my mind. Was I being ridiculous? Was I making a fool of myself? Are they laughing with me or at me?

My inner voice torments me all day, every day. She’s not nice. I have to constantly argue with her. Sometimes I win, and sometimes I don’t. When I don’t win, I’m down for the count for a few days. I cry at nothing. I become irritated at everything. Nothing in my world is right. Finally, when I realize she is defeating me, I fight back and become me again. Whoever that is.

I don’t feel like I am depressed. I just don’t feel whole. I don’t compare myself to others. But, I do compare myself to what type of person that I view myself as to what others tell me that I’m like. I’m always amazed at how people see me. Is that who I am? They really like me for me? I don’t like praise and “cheerleader rah rah” enthusiasm. I don’t need it. It makes me cringe. But, I offer up the exact thing that I shy away from with no effort. I enjoy praising other people, encouraging them, and cheering them on.

If only they could talk to my inner voice and convince her that I am how they see me. That would make my life so much less stressful. Maybe then my mind could rest and I would have less self-doubt. Or would I?

#itsatamithing